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Fear
byftpup
It's how I live my life... 

I've come to the conclusion that I have lived a lot of my life in fear... 

I live in fear of everything.
Some examples:

I fear what will happen if I do something - what are all the consequences... Spend money on something enjoyable only to realise I haven't got money left after.

I fear letting someone love me incase they turn against me..

I love to ride - and I do it - but I let my fear control the way I ride, which in it's self is NOT safe. I end up making stupid mistakes.

I fear being bashed because of who/what I am. so I hide or avoid situations that might otherwise be enjoyable.

I fear lack of control - thus putting me in a negative light to other people, or making me look a bigger fool (which is another fear - that I'll look like a fool!)

I fear what other people think of me so avoid getting to close.

I fear being found out... about what I'm not sure.. 

I fear being gay.

These are but some of the first things that pop into my mind. there is just this constant stream through my mind where things are aborted because I fear something.. 

So that is one of the things that drags me down in my cycle of depression.. 

I'm in a goodish place at the moment.. I feel 'ok'.. I have some great stuff happening over the next few months.. Takin' myself off on a little train holiday/adventure... getting my teeth fixed up so I don't have to be overly conscious of my mouth - or fear getting a disease from bad teeth/gums.. I'm happy enough to be single. I'm not feeling the need as I normally do to be in a relationship...  House is sort of 'ok'.. Even sort of made peace with my work... 

 

I haven't had a big bout of the blues or worse the blacks in weeks... actually it's probably bordering on Months now that I think about it..

 

So life is OK.. 

*hugs* 

b

 


 

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